“Dear Santa…”

Published December 5, 2011 by Claire

Dear Santa,

This year I have been a very good girl   a moderately good girl  a somewhat good girl  very good at my job, and so if it’s not too much trouble I would like to find these things waiting for me at the end of my bed on Christmas morning, please thankyou;

1) A new Ford Fiesta in hot pink, with a  numberplate that reads  PRO5 SIE.

2) A year’s supply of Wispa bars. Please don’t underestimate my Wispa consumption capabilities, one Wispa a day will not be sufficient. I’d aim for about five a day if I were you.

3) A year’s supply of interestingly flavoured condoms. I’m bored with strawberry etc. I’m thinking Black Forest Gateau flavour, or perhaps Pork & Pickle pie? Again, don’t underestimate a year’s supply, I am a floozie after all.

4) An application for my phone that will call back all the people who ring me at 3 or 4am, and will play Cliff Richard’s Greatest Hits at them very loudly. Ideally, I’d like it to call them back at three minute intervals for the rest of their lives.

5) World peace, obviously. Can you fit that in a stocking?


Lots of love,


PS:  In case you don’t remember me, thirty years ago I was the one with the pigtails who woke up and caught you putting the presents at the bottom of my bed.

PPS: Has anyone ever told you, you look just like my mum?


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