Haute Cuisine

Published November 23, 2010 by Claire

Due to my ‘orrible cold, I have spent the best part of the last few days indoors, with only my trusty computer for company and daytime television for background noise. Not being a fan of ‘Jeremy Kyle and His Amazing Freak Circus’ I have found myself soaking up large chunks of Ironside and Inspector Morse, but above all cookery programmes; leading me neatly into today’s rant, starring Daily Cook’s Challenge which has the odious Anthony Wassock-Thompson as its effluent (and yes, I do mean effluent not effusive) presenter.

The source of my resentment will no doubt amuse but not surprise many of my readers, specifically those who have either met me or perused my pictures. Yes, I’m going to bitch about portion sizes.

“…stap my vitals! They shall compose you a dish no bigger than a saucer that shall come to fifty shillings!”  – Lord Foppington (The Relapse, John Vanbrugh).

How do they produce such a belt-tightening size meal from such an array of ingredients, or more to the point from such decent budgets? That afternoon one was the same, the one that Fern Thingummy presented before she went to This Morning and then got fired. ‘Ready Steady Cook’, that’s it. Mind you, that was the contestant’s fault –  they had a £10 budget.  They were sent off clutching the BBC’s tenner in their sweaty mitts and all they’d come back with was a Shitake mushroom, a bag of lentils and half a king prawn. I’d have been smelling their breath to see if they’d spent the change on Special Brew. You couldn’t blame the poor chef for producing a meal that would have made an anorexic complain, then.

But the chefs and chefettes on DCC seem to have access to a perfectly reasonable supply of food, and they still serve up a little heap of stuff that reminds me of a very neat pile of leftovers. I’m not watching any more. I’ll go out and share my germs with the community instead.

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