Well, as I’ve done Room 101 I suppose it was only a matter of time before I tackled the ‘Fantasy Dinner Party’ question. You know the one – you have to decide who you’d invite to dinner out of everyone in the whole wide world ever, five people, and it doesn’t matter if they’re dead. Well, obviously, it matters that they’re dead, because after all saying that it doesn’t matter that someone’s dead is just mean, but for the purposes of the dinner party you can invite dead people. Except they’ll be alive, ‘cos no-one wants a stiff slumped in their soup. Anyway, you get the general idea..
Guest #1 – Jane Austen.
I want to know, for starters, how bored she was. I mean, she wrote six and a half books and nothing particularly exciting happens in any of them. I love her work, and when someone p*sses me off my Austen vocabulary comes to the fore and I become very upright and maidenly! But six and half books with no murders? Really, Jane?
Guest #2 – Tim Minchin.
Can you imagine dinner with the man? Can you imagine Jane Austen having dinner with him? Not sure who I mean? Google him.
Guest #3 – My Gran.
‘Cos I miss her, and I didn’t spend enough time with her, and ‘cos if I invited her to dinner she’d do the pudding and it would be egg custard. And no-one in the world makes egg custard like my Gran used to.
Guest #4 – Enid Blyton.
Apparently she was a bit of a cow, but she brought me up. By which I mean all of my ideas about what is right, what is acceptable, and what is good and bad, were instilled in me through reading Blyton obsessively.
Guest #5 – Amanda.
Because if she heard I’d had this dinner party and hadn’t invited her, I’d never hear the end of it.